Man's Blue Eyes

My God, you were beautiful!
tall, trim, slender
fit and muscular
wavy hair, black and thick
piercing blue eyes set
in a finely featured face
that could have launched ships

You carried yourself
with such grace,
a dancer’s grace,
emotions played out in your steps
sadness
you tread as if on the ballet stage
happy
you foxtrotted and tangoed through life
unthinking
you waltzed down the boulevards of existence

I was so jealous!
I had the height
but on me it was dumpy
average
more than average — overweight
bulbous nose
muddy, tired, deepset eyes
thin, straight hair hanging limp
to the scraggly beard
I grew trying hard to look
the adult I thought I was
in my twenties

I watched you, staring
attempting
not to be noticed noticing
I saw the girls
light up when you entered
breathe little sighs
of unrequited desire
when you left
I sighed, too
sighs of
that will never be me
I will never be that
why try?

But you were friendly,
pleasant
when I stumbled past
your pirouette
in the hallway
you smiled and said
“Hello” or
“How ya doin’?”
we chatted at parties
studied together
in a group
a professor engineered
shared a drink in a pub
was it a friendship?
it might have been a beginning

That day in the gym
we chanced an encounter
a conversation
we talked about fiction
we talked about physics
we talked about physiques
we talked about . . .
that look in your eye
when I knew
the girls wanted you
but
you didn’t want them . . .

Me!
you wanted me
overweight limp-haired muddy-eyed me

I fled, I ran
You pursued, you cried
“Just friends!”
your beautiful blue eyes
piercing
pleading
crying
“Just friends!”
I couldn’t do that
I wouldn’t do that
I wouldn’t . . .
risk
that

I watched you, staring
not even caring
if I was noticed noticing
I saw the girls
light up when you entered
breathe little sighs
of unrequited desire
when you left
I sighed, too
sneers of
that will never be me
I will never be that
not me!

I was so jealous!
I was so angry!
I was so . . .
confused
I treated you badly
not like
the adult I thought I was
in my twenties
and now
I regret

If I could
I would
say “I’m sorry” because
my God, you were beautiful!
in ways I never saw
and we could have been
we should have been
friends

by C Eric Funston
12 May 2014