When a couple gets married in the Episcopal Church, our canon law requires that they spend some time in pre-marital counseling, usually with the priest who will preside at their wedding. That didn’t happen in this case. I’ve spent no time helping P____ and L____ to build a strong foundation for their marriage; we haven’t talked about the theology of Holy Matrimony, or about communication, or conflict resolution skills, or any of the key issues of married life like dealing with finances, children, and extended family. No, my colleague the Rev. Lisa _______ did all of that. She was supposed preside today, but a member of her family announced that they were getting married today, so she asked me to step in, so it’s my privilege to witness and bless Paul and Lauren’s union.

In any event, I know that Mother Lisa has been over all of that with them, so this sermon is not for them. It’s for you, their family and friends; it’s about their marriage, but it’s for you.

If you were raised in the church you probably went through confirmation classes at some point and had to learn some bits of the catechism. You may remember learning about the Sacraments; there are seven of them. Holy Baptism and Holy Communion are the big ones, the ones Christ himself established. Then there are five others which the church created under, we believe, the guidance of the Holy Spirit. One of those five is the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony.

You may also recall that a Sacrament is defined as “an outward and visible sign of an inward and spiritual grace.”[1] The outward and visible sign of baptism is water; the outward and visible sign of the Eucharist is the bread and wine. So what is the outward and visible sign of Holy Matrimony?

The rings? Did I heard someone say “the rings?” Well, no. Even though I’m wearing this stole with rings on it, a stole I only wear for weddings, the rings are not the outward and visible sign. The rings indicate to everyone around them that these persons are married, but it is the persons themselves who are the outward invisible sign, their union, husband and wife, the two spouses together are the outward and visible side of the sacrament of Holy matrimony.

So what is the inward and spiritual grace of marriage? The inward and spiritual grace a baptism is union with Christ and the forgiveness of sin. The inward and spiritual grace of Holy Communion is the body and blood of Christ, which we incorporate into our lives and by which we are incorporated into God’s life. What is the inward and spiritual grace of Holy Matrimony?

Love, I heard someone say. Well yes, but no. Love our English word love is so broad as to be nearly meaningless. I mean what do we mean when we say I love and fill in the blank? I say I love my spouse to whom I’ve been married for 46 years. My son says he loves his job. My daughter says she loves her cats. My granddaughter loves pistachio vegan “ice cream.” But what do we all mean? Obviously, we don’t all mean the same thing.

We heard two lessons from the New Testament today: a bit of Paul’s famous treatise on love from the first letter to the Corinthians[2] and Jesus’ admonition to love one another from the Gospel according to John.[3] I’m sure you know the books of the New Testament were originally written in the Greek language which has several words for “love”.

There’s ludus (from which we get our word “ludicrous”) which is playful love, the sort of flirtatious interest that leads to first dates and keeps relationships going. Sometimes that matures and morphs into eros from which our word “erotic” is derived but which is more than merely physical; Plato defined eros as the appreciation of the beauty, both physical and spiritual, of the person and the desire to incorporate that beauty into one’s own life.[4] When two people stay together that love can morph again into what the Greeks called pragma, the root of the English word “pragmatic”; pragma is that mature, realistic love that makes relationships work over time through patience, compromise, and tolerance. Similar to pragma is storge, the love of family members for one another; it is that natural, instinctual affection and obligation that gives rise to the sentiment that “blood is thicker than water.” But, as Aldous Huxley once observed, water is wider than blood,[5] which brings us to phileo, often defined as the affectionate regard of friends; it is, according to Aristotle, that wider loyalty to friends and community which embodies virtue and equanimity.[6]

In all sorts of ways, these are the kinds of love are the reason you are here today. These different loves have brought you here as the friends, family, coworkers, acquaintances, associates, and community of this couple. But not one of this variety of loves is the love described by Paul in his letter or commanded by Christ in the Gospel. The love which is patient, kind, not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude, that does not insist on ts own way, that love is called agape in Greek. Agape is unconditional and selfless; it is given sacrificially with a deep and positive regard other’s well-being expecting nothing in return. It is the foundation, guiding principal, and ultimate goal of all the other forms of love;[7] it is the fountain from which flows what Paul called “the peace which passes all understanding.”[8]

Agape is the inward and spiritual grace of which the married couple is the outward and visible sign. Two spouses living together in love and harmony symbolize what is possible for the whole world. If these two people can do it, then two families can do it; two communities can do it; two nations can do it; indeed, all nations can do it. As the Vatican II constitution Gaudium et spes declared, the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony benefits the stability, peace, and prosperity of the whole human race.[9]

Well…. that’s hell of a burden to place on two people, isn’t it? They’ve got all those things they discussed with Mother Lisa to worry about: communication and conflict resolution; finances, children, and extended family; their jobs, the mortgage, and medical bills. On top of all that, now they’re responsible for world peace?

Yeah, they are. But they can’t do it alone. Do you remember the first reading we heard today? The one from the Book of Ecclesiastes? In it the preacher said, basically, that two together are better than one alone; if one falls, the other can lift him or her up; if one gets cold, the other can keep the first warm; the two offer each other mutual support. But then he closes with this sentence: “A threefold cord is not quickly broken.”[10] What’s that all about? He’s been like “Two… two… two…” and now he says, “Three.” What’s this “threefold cord”?

Before we started today I told you that you would have an important part to play in this liturgy, and then right at the beginning of the service (after they said they would take each other as spouses) I asked you, “Will you … do all in your power to uphold these two persons in their marriage?” And you answered, “We will.”[11] Your part doesn’t end when we finish this ceremony. Your part will go on and on.

Do you see this stole I’m wearing? I already mentioned the rings, which today symbolize Paul and Lauren. Then there’s a Chi-Rho which stands for Christ and symbolizes God. And then there’s a palm branch. Remember when Jesus rode into Jerusalem on Palm Sunday? The people waved branches and spread their garments and palm fronds along his path. The palm branch stands for the people, for you. It symbolizes you and your promise to support them, to be there when they need you with your ludus, your eros, your storge, your pragma, your phileo, and your best attempt at agape, with all those different types of love.

The outward and visible sign of the Sacrament which is this marriage is this couple, P_____ and L_____ together; the inward and spiritual grace of their marriage is agape, unconditional, sacrificial love that produces the peace which passes understanding. Their love. God’s love. Your love.

That’s the threefold cord of Holy Matrimony: the couple, God, and you. Be there for them and that threefold cord will never break. Amen.

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This homily was offered by the Rev. Dr. C. Eric Funston at a wedding at Trinity Episcopal Cathedral, Cleveland, Ohio.

The lessons for the service were Ecclesiastes 4:9-12; 1 Corinthians 13:4-8; and St. John 15:9-12.

The illustration is Fr. Funston’s wedding stole.

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Notes:
Click on footnote numbers to link back to associated text. Unless otherwise indicated, all quotations from Scripture are from the New Revised Version Updated Edition.

[1] The Book of Common Prayer 1979, page 857

[2] 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

[3] St. John 15:9-12

[4] Corneliu Ben Buzguta, The Concept of Eros in Plato’s Philosophy and the Concept of Agape in Christian Thought, RAIS Conference Proceedings 2022-2025 0413, Research Association for Interdisciplinary Studies, 2024.

[5] “Blood, as all men know, than Water’s thicker,//But water’s wider, thank the Lord, than Blood.” Aldous Huxley, Ninth Philosopher’s Song, Leda (George H. Doran Co., New York:1920), page 34

[6] Aristotle, Nicomachean Ethics, Books VIII and IX

[7] Ken Boa, The Five Loves – and the Highest of These is Agape Love?, Reflections, undated, accessed 1 November 2025

[8] Philippians 4:7

[9] Pope Paul VI, Gaudium et spes, Para. 48, December 7, 1965

[10] Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

[11] The Book of Common Prayer 1979, page 425